I’ve noticed throughout my coaching sessions that one of the main ways that women use to try and get back together with their ex is by sleeping with him. I am often asked this question: “ If I sleep with my ex will he definitely come back to me?”
Yes, some men (and women too) will certainly be once again attracted and decide to start the relationship again. Many women end up being gravely disappointed by the man’s behavior after the fact. Some of them stop calling, and others say that they’ll come back but in reality they just want sex.
One of the main symbols of a relationship is intimacy. These are special moments between a couple, that give rise to unique and intense feelings, and it isn’t shared with anyone else.
Despite the power intimacy can have, the love a person can make with their partner isn’t enough to make a relationship last. Sex will not prevent a breakup. Caring about, loving and being intimate with someone will not guarantee that the relationship will last forever and that you won’t be faced with certain disappointments.
Sometimes the love you feel for him can blind your judgment so it’s imperative to analyze the situation as quickly as possible, especially if your ex is suggesting you remain friends…
As a relationship expert trained in helping people get back together, I interact with people who still have some level of attraction for their ex every single day.
In my Self Help Audio Seminar How To Get Him Back I explain the importance that sex plays in the overall process of seduction.
It’s a powerful way of reconnecting with the person you care for, but if you are not careful it can lead to emotional dependency and depression. That’s why having a plan or support along the way is crucial.
So is sleeping with an ex boyfriend a good idea? People contact me all the time asking should I have sex with my ex or not? Is sex between exes truly a good way to get back together? Does it mean that love still exists between you and that you’re going to be able to be in a relationship again?
All these questions are at the forefront of your mind and I’m going to help you see things clearly. Wouldn’t it be better to focus on communication and natural attraction as you try and get him back while avoiding disappointment? Many women aren’t sure and it’s completely understandable because you don’t want a one-night stand.
Let’s discover the answers to your questions, as well as what works and what doesn’t in this article.
Should sleeping with your ex after a breakup even be considered?
While you’re trying to get your ex back, it’s important to keep your intentions to yourself. Let’s call this, “flying under the radar.” The goal is to quickly get in control, to show a complete evolution, to change, and play on your desire to make the most out of life.
The less emphasis you put on your “couple,” the more inclined your ex will be to come back to you.
During private coaching sessions some people often tell me: “Adrian I don’t want to play mind games with the person I love or I don’t understand why I can’t just tell him how I really feel”.
Perhaps you’ve asked yourself the same questions and that’s why I would like to highlight the importance of not revealing your true intentions to your ex too quickly.
Human beings desire what they don’t have and take for granted things that come too easily.
So if you tell your ex how you really feel about them the overwhelming odds are that he or she simply won’t value you as much.
And it’s not playing games at all! It’s what I refer to as the seduction process. When you’re single and you meet a guy that you at a bar, you don’t immediately tell him you like him!
Sure you show interest and you engage in a process of seduction but you simply don’t verbalize the fact that you hope that this encounter will lead to a long term relationship…that would be perceived as too aggressive and would push him away.
Well it’s the same thing when it comes to your ex, you have to take it slow in order for him to want to chase you.
So very often when you decide to continue to have sexual relationships with an ex partner, all you are doing is cementing the idea in their mind that they still have you in their pocket. In a situation like this you risk playing a dangerous game.
When we decide to make love with an ex, it’s imperative to not let emotions get the best of you, and to make it very clear that you are not emotional dependent. The reason is simple; a needy, dependent person, is not appealing…
We are once again touching on the fundamentals of seduction here.
If you plan on continuing to sleep together, I suggest that you view your ex as nothing more than a simple sexual relationship and to exhibit no signs of tenderness that could expose you….until he shows signs of affection!
In coaching I often come back to this saying, “Don’t be an open book”. Why would you confess everything to your ex in pillow talk, or worse still, ask them to come back? You are also killing the element of surprise, which is a crucial part of getting your ex back…
I slept with my ex: Is it worth the risk?
Sleeping with an ex can sometimes have great results but it doesn’t mean that you should ignore the fact that it can also be very risky. Just because a romantic evening ended up with you two spending the night together doesn’t mean that you’re automatically back together with the person you love the very next morning.
I coached Julia a young lady who lives in the New York City area. She had broken up with her boyfriend because she was going through a lot in her personal life and was stressed at work.
She quickly realized that she made a mistake and got back together with her ex boyfriend. Unfortunately, he was scarred by their initial breakup and he was bitter and resentful as they tried to heal and rebuild.
After a few weeks he broke up with her and for the next couple of months they were in an on-and-off type of relationship.
He loved Julia, she was the love of his life. In fact he wanted to chase her but every time they would sleep together he would have doubts about their long term future shortly thereafter.
I had to convince Julia to stop sleeping with him and to pull back on even seeing him all together to get him to commit to her again…and eventually he did!
So be careful and think it through before you use sex as a method of getting back together. Sex should never be used out of fear or simply as a strategy to get what you want! You see, it’s preferable to re seduce your man, and to reestablish affinity.
Once these things are back in place, when you’re intimate in the future, it will make you both even happier.
What do you do if you’ve already slept with the person you love and they’re not calling you anymore? What happens if he remains with his new girlfriend even after you two have spent a night together?
These are some of the questions often asked during coaching sessions, and they’re natural. You feel betrayed and hurt and still have feelings for your ex.
It’s important to remember Julia’s story to know that you’re not the first person to be in this situation. I am in no way shape or form trying to put down the masculine sex or say that all men are the same in love.
I’m just trying to communicate to you that sleeping with an ex is not appropriate in all situations and that you must carefully think it through before you do it.
This is why I am sharing various techniques and methods with you that will truly help you set out on a successful attempt at getting back together with the man you love. It’s best to use well-known techniques that I recommend, such as the no contact rule and the hand-written letter for getting back together with your man.
The key will be to adapt them to your specific situation, and that’s why private coaching is so key. It enables me to apply the numerous tips and techniques that you’ll find on my Blog or my YouTube channel to what you are actually going through right now!
Spending the night with your ex shouldn’t happen on a whim; you have to plan it…control your impulses and desires. Start by reviving his feelings for you. Spend time with him and reestablish the affinity between you two before you get physical!
There is another element that you shouldn’t forget: your self-esteem as well as the opinions of others. It’s important to not end up looking like someone “easy” so that your reputation stays in tact.
It would be a shame if this happened especially since this method isn’t always sure-fire.
I often tell people I coach not to care about what other people think and to live out their dreams. But it’s also true that your self-esteem and the way people in your entourage view you often has a very deep impact on how you end up perceiving yourself!
Why does my ex only want sex?
A relationship doesn’t only consist of emotions. There is also the important aspect of physical attraction. After months or even years and years of life together, sometimes emotions dwindle.
For some couples just the emotional tie between two people isn’t enough to keep them together; but it doesn’t mean that the carnal desire dies out as well.
Just because someone is frustrated with their partner or unable to project a common life project doesn’t mean that physical attraction simply goes away.
In fact, people that I’ve coached tell me all the time that some of the most passionate sex they’ve ever had with their partners has come after a breakup…
Whatever the reason may be; lack of communication, routine, and you might not even know why; you and your partner decided to end things.
But your ex could still plan to see you and to spend time with you, notably for intimate moments because sexual desire isn’t easy to control, even for your ex. You know each other well, you know what the other likes and so it’s easy to find pleasure.
After a breakup men and women often find it very difficult to immediately engage in a new relationship, but they don’t want to be single either.
It’s a bit of a paradox but I assure you that you’re not the only one feeling this way.
Sex with your ex, the miracle solution?
When wanting to get back together with your ex, you’re usually going to focus on your emotions, using them as a tool to gage how to get back with your ex.
This is what gives you false hope, and this is what makes you continue to have a purely sexual relationship with your ex, without necessarily being able to make them want to commit. Oftentimes the result is unfortunately quite the opposite.
Therefore, it’s best to concentrate only on your personal growth and change. Do this in order to become a new and improved version of yourself; or to once again be the ideal man or woman that your ex found so incredible in the beginning of your relationship.
This isn’t only for your own good, this is a way to make your ex naturally want to come back and start anew with you.
If you’re wondering, “is it possible to get back together without sleeping with an ex?” then the answer is of course YES!
Your main goal will have to be to completely rebuild yourself so that your confidence shines and you’ll stop fixating on the reasons why you broke up. It will be significantly easier to seduce your ex with all your improvements.
If you want things to change, you have to make sure you’re not dependent on your ex, and that you’re not just waiting for them to come back. In the beginning, you’ll have to persevere in order to attract their attention and to start a new relationship together.
Sex is not the miracle solution and plenty of success comes without it.
In coaching, I accompany many people who continue to have intimate involvement with their ex simply because they are afraid of losing their partner.
However, if you look at the situation closely you will see why your ex has decided to end the relationship, and why they don’t want a future together.
So, in some cased don’t be afraid to stop this dangerous liaison, because you can’t recreate real seduction between you if you’re continuing to engage in intercourse with your ex and still emotionally dependent.
Why sleep with an ex?
One thing is for sure: sleeping with your ex isn’t meaningless…But what exactly does it mean?
Some people turn the page not long after the breakup and are no longer in touch with their ex, but other people, like you, still spend time with them intimately. You’re not just casually meeting up for a coffee at the end of the week after work; it’s going much further and you’re hooking up.
A sexual relationship after a breakup can have multiple meanings. It’s going to be important for you to understand your goals before you do anything.
I still sleep in the same bed as my ex
After having been together for a long time you’ve built a lot together (like having kids, a house, investments…) Despite the decision to split up, you might still be living together and sleeping in separate rooms; Perhaps moving out isn’t an option because of financial or family-related reasons.
Sleeping in the same bed as your ex, a person that you like and still find attractive can give rise to desire and temptation, and if you fight it off for multiple nights in a row, it can amplify and you can cave. One little caress can be enough to do the trick, and you kiss your ex and sleep together despite the desire to separate.
Other times I’ve seen people sleep in the same bed and not be able to have sex with their ex. If you find yourself in a situation where your ex refuses to be touched or be intimate with you don’t panic!
I’ve actually created a Video Series on How To Get Back With An Ex Partner If You Still Live Together, and if you find yourself in this position I invite you to check it out!
I’m sleeping with my ex because I want them back
Way too many people, especially women, use sex as a tool and as a magnet for getting back with their ex. A person can think that sex is a way to reestablish affinity, to spend a great time together and to forget about the problems that you had been having.
Sex with an ex is a way to share pleasure and to show yourself in a different light.
You can show them that you’re no longer the man or woman that they had broken up with; you are now someone that knows how to have a good time, especially in your most intimate moments.
Reviving the flame isn’t based on your feelings; it’s based on your carnal desires.
I like sleeping with my ex
Sleeping with an ex partner doesn’t always have a “strategic” connotation and you can very well be intimate with them without necessarily wanting to get back together (or at least not for now.)
Not everyone may want to get their ex back, but this doesn’t mean that they want to be alone and be single. It’s not always easy to handle the post-breakup situation in solitude. In fact, solitude can sometimes make it much harder for a person to bounce back.
After all, continuing to be intimate with your ex is a way to diffuse the shock of the breakup and to continue having a good time.
When I’m asked “Adrian, should I have sex with my ex” I often answer, “Yes if you’re both on the same page about it!”
In these types of situations the risks are minimal because you’re already rebuilding yourself. That said, if this is a way to get your ex’s attention, because you want them back, the game becomes a little more dangerous…
Sleeping with an ex is not the only way
Getting back together with an ex means reestablishing gestures and a couple’s lifestyle, and this means that there is one imperative element: sex.
Being intimate with your ex is very important in order to feel that you are once again in a loving relationship because it is the ultimate symbol of love and a bond between two people.
Sleeping with an ex boyfriend, being back in his arms are some of the deepest and most satisfying parts of being in a relationship and this is probably exactly what you’d like back.
It is a great way to rekindle his feelings for you and to remind him of those amazing moments he had spent by your side.
Sleeping with your ex isn’t obligatory, and there are many methods like the hand-written letter and radio silence that I can teach you how to perfect. I’ll also help you organize a rendezvous while ensuring you don’t jump his bones or ask him a million questions the moment you see him again.
However, there is a situation in which it can be necessary to sleep with your ex-partner. In truth, when your ex boyfriend is with someone new, it is in fact a good idea to sleep with him.
Simply because you must separate him from the new girl emotionally as well as physically by sharing intimate moments. This way he will always feel close to you and admit that he has trouble forgetting about you.
Under these circumstances, sex is your ally because it will help you target your ex’s desire for you and he will feel attracted to you physically and emotionally as well. We can then talk about the sexual tension that will start to grow between you.
Should I have sex with my ex after a divorce
I often coach individuals that are on the verge of separation or even already divorced but torn on if they should still sleep together.
I of course don’t have an issue with you sleeping with your ex husband as long as you know what you’re doing! Don’t let temptation get the best of you if you know you will be extremely sad and emotional the next day because you realize that you’re still not back together.
The point that I want to make is that you should avoid putting yourself in a vulnerable position at all cost if you’re still in love with your ex boyfriend or ex husband!
I want to move on: should I continue to have sex with my ex?
As you’ve understood, the second scenario is when you want to move on but you continue being intimate with your ex. Even if you’re not fighting, you want to move forward because you’ve already mourned your relationship. Your goal is therefore to move on to something else.
Under these circumstances you have to stop sleeping together or else you’ll have a tough time getting over them.
You’re going to have to make a choice: pleasure or rebuild yourself and forgetting your ex. The fact of the matter is, spending multiple nights with your ex each month isn’t going to help you meet someone new or help you to focus on yourself.
When you truly want to turn the page and move on you have to make some radical decisions that aren’t always easy, but they’re crucial.
I may surprise you when I tell you this or not if you’ve been paying attention… There is an exception to the rule that states that you must never sleep with your ex!
For some people, sex with an ex is not against the rules. It’s of course for those in total control of their emotions… it is even recommended to sleep with their ex!
Sure enough, sex can be a great way to reignite passion and to conclude your efforts to ultimately get back together with your ex, even when you’ve only spent time together under the sheets since the breakup.
The key is to steer clear of becoming your ex’s ‘sex friend’, or more aggressively said, their booty call. The true objective is for sex to be a way to rediscover each other and to ultimately seduce and to rekindle your ex’s feelings for you.
In order to do this, you’ll have to be sure that your ex isn’t sleeping with other people, and more importantly, they desire you because you have a great time together, even when you’re not being intimate! (Going out with friends, playing pool, bowling, concerts, going out to dinner…)
Again remember that if your ex is already seeing someone new, by having amazing sex with your ex, you can plant a seed of doubt in their mind. As you can imagine, it’s hard for someone to invest in a new relationship if they continue to sleep with their ex.
Always be very careful when deciding to continue to sleep with an ex. It isn’t something to take lightly, and you have to think carefully about it because it can have negative repercussions.
Many people fall into the trap of being excessively emotionally dependent, which can become very destructive and result in serious heartache. Please be aware that simply because you’re having a sexual relationship doesn’t automatically mean that the real relationship is back on track as well.
I wish you all the best in your quest to get back with your ex,
Your coach for figuring out if sleeping with an ex boyfriend is a good idea.
Life Coach, Motivational Speaker & Relationship Expert